Key West - An Internet Journal

The Christmas Topiary

2007-01-01T11:58:00.000-05:00

It's almost impossible to get a Christmas tree here after 12/1... and $200 for an artificial tree? I don't think so.

You know you've been in Key West too long when...

2006-12-21T08:51:00.000-05:00

Here is my cat, sleeping about 3' from a hen and 734 chicks. This morning my neighbor (the same one who mows his grass at 9pm) decided that 6:22 am was an appropriate time to use a pneumatic nail gun. I know it was 6:22am because I had been up since 4:37am with a rooster in our back yard. This same neighbor has been using a tile saw every day for months. Perhaps he is creating a mosaic masterpiece.

No matter, as we are out of here. It's been great, but time to get off the island. We're moving to DES MOINES. Technically, our home will be in Waukee, Iowa, but more on that later. So anyway it's why for the quiet lately. More on Christmas (yet another thing to love about Key West - where else in the world runs our of Christmas trees in the 2nd week of December, and why are artificial crappy ones $200? We have an artificial Christmas topiary. Photos later.)

Here, but not for long.

2006-12-19T11:29:00.000-05:00

Things are changing. More on that later, all of it good stuff.

Do not allow yourself to become enraged with the NYT Sunday crossword until you look up what a rebus crossword is. w h a t e v e r. I don't know why my self image is tangles up in the thing.

Sudoku is evil.

What To Do When Your Husband is Out of Town.

2006-11-07T21:28:00.000-05:00

Different than Things to do in Key West When You're Dead, but not very much so.

During commercial breaks from House, watch for the first time (I swear, I never have. In fact, I can admit that when my husband is watching sports I indulge in things like The Girls Next Door ((have I mentioned that my girlfriend is a web girl for Playboy? I have NOT! and HAPPY MARRIED DAY YOU)) and also I watch Bravo TV but who doesn't?)
Seriously. Dancing with the stars almost made me feel like I needed to go to confession.
Back to House. I miss my husbands sensibility.

oh suprise.

2006-11-07T20:00:00.000-05:00

omg i can't believe it. can any marriage last?

Just Wrong

2006-11-07T15:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Hardy's of Austrailia Wine-in-a-Box Manufacturers,
I know that simply by virtue of purchasing wine in a box that I am putting myself into a segmented consumer class, and your product was on sale making my taste even more questionable, but I am fairly certain that wine which is not being marketed as actual vinegar should have the color "Specimen from a Kidney Failure Patient.

Were this a glass of expensive tawny port? Perhaps. Try again, but I won't.

Love,

Jocelyn

Maybe I am a redneck, or married to one.

2006-11-05T17:59:00.000-05:00

So I am going to use the internet to let everyone know that my husabnd is a big bubble bath taking soaking reading man.
Shut up!
What!
I love a Sunday New York Times reading Bubble Bath Taking Man!
Man!
I actually started writing this entry with a story, and now, after writing that I love a bubble bath taking NYT reading man, I can't remember what funny thing I was going to type.
OH! That is where all my Philosophy 3 in 1 grapefruit is going.
He just reminded me that my parents read this.
Hee.

Redneck Envy

2006-11-05T15:40:00.000-05:00

I am nearly as polar opposite a redneck as one may find. Well, not so wasp-y that I have 5 names or anything but still. I do, however, have some envy for the colorful venacular. This afternoon I watched Ron White and Jeff Foxworthy. Things I wish I could get away with saying:

(commentary on the culinary skills of his new wife, Ron White give his dinner to his dog.) So Sluggo starts licking his butt. My wife comes in and says "what is he doing?" so I told her "I think he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

(commentary on the difference between men smelling things and women smelling things.) So he leaned over it and took a whiff and said "whoooeee! That would knock a vulture off a gut wagon!"

Which, if you read my previous post, was my freezer yesterday.

4th on the 5th and the 5th.

2006-11-05T13:57:00.000-05:00

I'm not so great with this commitment thing. Plus I went to bed at 9:30 after marathon kitchen cleaning session. But the oven, she is spotless including the inside of the hood and the fan cover. Ammonia and Magic Eraser, if you were wondering.

Woke up at 6am this morning, having not yet adjusted to the time change (it's been 5am thrice this week). But it is 1:53pm, and I have (drum roll please) FINISHED THE MFING NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD. In record time, for me. Fortunately I am married to the encyclopedia of all things sports.

And in case you're wondering 92 down is "Agamic: reproducing without fertilization". This will make you able to solve the puzzle. You're welcome.

Makes a Momma Proud

2006-11-03T13:08:00.000-05:00

My baby son (who is 6'2"+ and wears a size 13 mens shoe) is rowing in the Chicago Chase tomorrow. It's predicted to be 42 degrees. If you're in Chicago, go cheer him on! Go August! I wish I could.

November 1st, on the second. Of course.

2006-11-02T12:39:00.000-05:00

Since I spoke earlier of power outages and all manner of connectivity problems, I am doubling up for NoBloPoMo.

So Halloween! Jake and I did nothing. Nothing for Fantasy Fest (which for those of you unfamiliar with the celebration is like a nakeder, drunker version of Mardi Gras), nothing for Halloween. It was great - no pressure to come up with costumes, no last minute panic for babysitters.

I did, however, take the time this year to sew the bird girl a costume. Alice in Wonderland. Seeing some of the costume choices other mothers allowed thier children, (Seriously, some of them would have made Paris Hilton blush.) I was THRILLED when the bird chose this pattern. Except I didn't have a sewing machine. So I bought this:

It is a sewing machine smaller than a beer! I don't even drink beer! And if I did drink beer, it would not be this beer!
I'm not going to win Project Runway on it or anything, but it was fine. See that rack of clothing in the background? It is the ironing I am supposed to be doing instead of writing things on the internet.

Key West Fun Fact! This is what they do to each other (and cars, and household pets) after they are done trick or treating. This is why we let her go with her friends this year. I didn't grow up with shaving cream as a part of halloween, but it's big down here, like black beans and rice.

Happy Halloween! Late!

Yesterday and other days too.

2006-10-25T09:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we turned off the AC for the first time since May or June. It is nice to be in a less manufactured feeling atmosphere. It will take some time to readjust to the clackity sound of the vertical shades.

The daughter lady and BFF lady came in after school to inform me that they would be setting up a lemonade stand where, for only fifty cents, a consumer could chose either a glass of lemonade OR they could play the tamborine for three minutes.

Not yesterday but a few days ago I was wandering around my house in my uniform (sundress and flipflops) and wondering why my boobs seemed huge for some reason. I asked my husband, and he agreed. Figured it was some hormonal thing that happens at 35. While older than me and able to talk about non-gender focused aging milestones, he did not recall a marked change in his boobs at 35. At about 6pm I sat down and realized I had my dress on backwards. I was a little disappointed.

I've wanted to post more often, but sometimes it's good to just live it rather than turn it over to just anyone (not you mom and dad).

That being said while I am certain there are other bloggers who undoubtedly will have better things to say than I, but I will be throwing in my two cents on Top Chef 2. I didn't last week because, you know, Project Runway ending and Top Chef starting on the same day? It's taken me all week to decompress. Plus I didn't watch them alone (or with my husband for that matter, which is rather like watching them alone as any unsoliced comments about fashion are met with the over-the-reading-glasses disinterested sneer), so there was the talkity. Plus Jeffrey won PR, and I was a little distracted from that.

So other than that, I considered NaBloPoMo, but it's a commitment. I cheated on a diet and haven't stopped guilting myself about that; what would this do to my self esteem? Also, if I did participate what if I actually started writing again? It's a lot of pressure. Okay, okay. Documented lack of electricity as my only excuse (which happens a lot here), I will post every day for the month of November. Prepare yourself for topics such as "Observations I have made about my cat, Sasha" and "Why I couldn't sleep after I found a scorpion in an upper kitchen cabinet" (but really - could you? sleep that is? how do they get in there? grrrr. ) Here goes... something.

The Bestest.

2006-10-05T08:30:00.000-05:00

Here is the bird and Pandora the dolphin. Pandora painted the t-shirt while the bird held it out over the water. Cool. Every day I pick her up from school, she comes home, does her homework (wihout being asked), strips of her school duds and cannonballs into the pool. Tuesday she picked up the water cannon and used it like a megaphone, shouting "HELLO WORLD!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME? I'M HAVING A GREAT DAY TODAY!!!!"
The bestest.

I used to write things.

2006-10-05T08:23:00.000-05:00

My husband suggested that I retrieve all of my previous writings before they all disappear into the internets. It's then that I realized I've been sort of doing this since mid 2000. Here is an old entry I liked.

5.12.01
i was having a conversation with a coworker this morning about kids. she has a stepson who is 9 and she needed to get him ready to go somewhere today. she came into my office and said "i don't know how you do it everyday, jocelyn" so i shared with her that as a step-mom, she was likely worrying about being really nice to her step-son, where in reality if they are your own children you can really accomplish quite a bit by yelling at them.my son and i came to the conclusion that it would be a massive adjustment for us to have to move to an apartment building, and that we would probably be very unpopular. don't get me wrong. i don't spend my whole day screaming at my children. we just like to be really loud at home. we sing loud, we play music really loud, we stomp around and dance in the kitchen. we have whole discussions with affected falsetto opera singer voices, generally with the intent of persuading the other to eat something or go somewhere. most often i use it as a stress management method to request that something be done that i have only asked to be done oh, i don't know, 50,000 times so i don't lose my mind and sell my children. it goes something like this.don't leave wrappers on the table.don't leave wrappers on the table.august, you know it really bothers me when you leave wrappers on the table. i know this does not seem like a big deal, and you know it isn't. but when you don't throw your crap in the garbage it bothers me. so just do it as a personal favor to your mom.don't leave that on the table.are you going to throw that away.put that in the trash RIGHT NOW.mary mother of god what is the problem with you? can you not find the trash can? is it cleverly hidden? is this not a thing that you are aware makes me completely lose my mind? do you like to see your mother lose her mind?and this is when i sing "pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase throw that wraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaper in the gaaaaaaaaaaaarbage...." so i don't run across the room and beat him.be assured, i would never beat my children. but all of you with children know that the difference between an abusive parent and a not abusive parent is personal restraint, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. for those of you who do not have children but are considering having some of your own, i have put together a little questionnaire that might help you evaluate whether you are ready.

Parental Readiness Quiz Part 1
1. How important is it for you to go to the bathroom by yourself?
a. very important
b. somewhat important
c. i am okay with it being a high traffic area.

2. How often do you look inside your shoes before you put them on?
a. never
b. sometimes
c. you never know what might be in there, best to check.

3. Would it be a very embarrassing thing for you to find, say, a slice of cheese in your briefcase during a meeting?
a. it would ruin my career
b. i would try to laugh it off if anyone noticed
c. i would make a mental note to have it for lunch.

4. Can you sleep while someone is pulling on your eyelashes?
a. i would find that upsetting
b. it might wake me up
c. are they pulling on them, or pulling them out?

5. How do you feel about hearing the same word over and over? say, your name repeated at 2 second intervals for 10 minutes straight.
a. peace and quiet is important to me
b. maybe i could get used to it
c. did you ask me something?

6. You are in the kitchen and you hear someone cry. What do you do?
a. Jump up and see what happened
b. Wait for a minute to see if it stops, then go see
c. Was there a loud noise before the crying started? Is it a whiny cry or a bleeding cry? Is there someone closer who can check?

7. What is your idea of dinner time?
a. Everyone seated in the dining room, with soft music
b. Everyone in the kitchen with the television
c. Everyone in the house with food.

8. On the table before you is a brown paper grocery sack and a red glove. What are you doing? a. Putting away groceries?
b. Looking for the other glove?
c. making a rooster costume for the second grade down on the farm concert extravaganza which starts in a half hour. duh.

Your Score
if you mostly answered
a, it might be best for you to purchase fish. they are the quietest pet..if you answers were mostly b, you might be ready for a child. get some sleep now while you can.if you answered
c to any of these questions, you're a mom, no question. mom. mom. mom. mom. mom.

Unsolicited but Useful Advise Concerning Housekeeping

2006-09-22T13:25:00.000-05:00

1. If your mother is coming to visit on Friday, and you say this sentence out loud:
"Well, I was thinking of holding off on that until Thursday so I don't have to do it twice."
think about what can happen when one makes statements of intent outloud.

2. If you open a package of chicken that still has several days before the Sell Before Date, but ask your husband "Does this smell okay to you?" don't listen to him Trust yourself. He eats things like yogurt and bananas and liverwurst.

3. When you wake up at 5:00am the next morning queasy and unable to hold your head up properly, wake up your husband. If he feels poorly too, lay back down and seethe. See #2.

4. If you do have to stay home with your husband and both of you are sick don't try to do it together. It's not romantic, despite what he tries to tell you.

5. If your husband has the ability to come home for lunch, don't clean while he's home. Seriously. Because when you have to grunt and moan to move the sherman tank that is the coffee table, he'll make comments like "take it easy!", while he continues to read and eat lunch. Romance, again!

Things I Like Very Much, For the Obvious Reasons

2006-09-14T11:03:00.000-05:00

I like parrots, but it seems like an awfully big commitment, or something potentially mean to do to your children. They are practically immortal.
If you go to Busch Gardens in Tampa early in the morning, this totally happens, which made me want to get a job there. My business card would say Flamingo Walker. What an excellent job.

Things I Hate and am Perfectly Entitled To; Part 2

2006-09-13T14:25:00.000-05:00

Honestly, there aren't that many things I hate. But my cat does this at least 3 times a day. And no, it's not about the dish because I've gotten ones with the approximate diameter of trash can lids so it's not a whisker thing so don't email me suggestions of the like. He will only eat of the floor. Speaking of garbage cans, don't you think it's interesting that the universally accepted symbol for a trash recepticle is still a silver can with a lid, ala Oscar the Grounch, even though no one uses them any more and would bet my kids have never even seen one like that?
These are the things I think about now that I am working from home. Don't you wish you were married to me so I could talk to you about metal garbage cans and what the cat did when you were at work? I thought so.

Things I Hate, and am Perfectly Entitled To. (first in a series)

2006-09-11T10:10:00.000-05:00

Every. Single. Day. Usually in the corners of rooms, which is less upsetting and somewhat considerate of them to be honest. You should hear the sound they make when being sucked into the tube of the vaccum.

The Non Event

2006-08-30T11:08:00.000-05:00

It's difficult to explain what one feels like after a non hurricane. It's hardly even depression-y in Key West. It rained harder this summer with no warning, which makes getting everything together and the kids being out of school for 3 days... just bothersome. But it beats flood abatement.

Blogging Ernesto - 2

2006-08-29T13:59:00.000-05:00

This is what a squall looks like coming in off the ocean. Taken from the front yard - just behind those houses across the street is the canal to the Atlantic. It's not raining right now, but am certain that is short lived.

Blogging Ernesto - 1

2006-08-29T12:36:00.000-05:00

It's just beginning to rain. We have been having intermittant squalls but so far no lightening or wind. This is off the corner eaves on the lanai. I will continue to bore (or excite! or worry...) until I get tired of it, or lose power. Whichever comes first.

how cute are we.

2006-08-28T11:48:00.000-05:00

Nest

2006-08-24T15:39:00.000-05:00

I have always really loved it that my kids have always liked nesting in my bed. Snuggling in the morning, wasting away on sick days, finding a place to be alone in a sometimes noisy house.

I rethought this the other morning when i woke up with light-bright pieces embedded in my back and legs.

Hippo at Busch Gardens

2006-08-12T11:32:00.000-05:00

Lanai, and other things.

2006-08-07T09:32:00.000-05:00

We spend a lot of time on our lanai. For those of you who don't live in Florida lanai means porch. Here is a photo of our lanai. It's sort of a mess this morning but I twisted my knee and was unable to tidy yesterday.

Please note the houses on the other side of the fence. We are close neighbors here in Key West! We are in a very neighborhood-y place. Which is why it was curious one evening to hear a horse whinney. There was simultaneous distraction from books with matching looks of "why I do believe I just heard a horse whinney, but that seems an unlikely thing to hear in Key West so shall ignore it forthwith".
Until the next day. See there by the grill? Behind that fence someone is keeping a Shetland Pony. I have neither a ladder or the inclination to violate my neighbors privacy so at this time do not have photographic evidence of said pony, but just asks my daughter who "checks on the horse" (and promply reports the location and activities) approximately every eight minutes.
I've a wide variety of thoughts on this, from "How... eccentric" to "Is it mean to have a little pony in this heat? Are ponies indigenous to Florida?" to "I suppose it's not worse than having a dog" to "Where the hell are these f&*#!@* flies coming from? Oh.". I am fairly certain there is some sort of ordinance but given that it is Key West where there are actually city commission meetings about protecting the chickens that are all over the place here, who knows?
People here bring giant lizards and parrots into the supermarkets with them. There is a man who rides a big harley davidson with a parrot on his head. All the time. Iguanas on leashes. I've adjusted to lizards all over the place all the time (we like them! they eat bugs), cockroaches (not palmetto bugs as the Florida Tourism Council would have you belive) laying on thier backs all over the house.
I have even adjusted to scorpions in that I no longer scream in terror, but rather just jump on the furniture and do the whisper scream/whimper/cry thing that is more comforting to the neighbors. Hey! This is a perfect time for a "Should You Ever Find Yourself Living in a Tropical Environment Tip". Tip #1 - Plastic market bags and 2 litre soda bottles in the cupboard under the sink make excellent scorpion traps, if you're into that sort of thing.
So why shouldn't there be a pony next door, who is right now at this moment, in the shade looking at my daughter through the fence. So you know.

Anniversary

2006-08-05T13:30:00.000-05:00

He's put up with me for another year. We are going to have dinner here and hopefully it won't rain. (We've had brillant luck with hurricanes so far but it's been very weathery all summer.)

I love the husband so much it's silly. So easy to do, though.

Happy Anniversary, Papi.

Everglades

2006-07-20T12:14:00.000-05:00

Who doesn't like ice cream?

2006-06-22T14:44:00.000-05:00

Baseball is wildly popular in Key West. One afternoon, Jake, the Bird and I were driving past a practice field.
"Do you hear that *splink* sound? (the bird nods affirmatively) That is the sound when someone is practicing with an aluminum bat." I mention.
" Well, except it's clearly a *ping*" counters my husband.
"No, it's a baseball bat made out of metal" declares the bird.

Clearly my child.

Honeymoon

2006-06-18T15:51:00.000-05:00

Okay I have somewhat haphazardly posted some photos from Negril. They can be viewed here, not particularly in order.

Honeymoon in Jamaica

2006-06-11T12:16:00.000-05:00

Man in woman's bathing suit arrested for carrying concealed weapon

2006-05-30T12:36:00.000-05:00

Man in woman's bathing suit arrested for carrying concealed weapon A man clad in a purple women’s bathing suit and skirt was arrested yesterday after he showed a bartender a gun and said he was going to “Get rid of all the dirt bags in Key West.”
Jeffrey Clon Anderson, 55, was charged with carrying a concealed firearm for the flare gun he had tucked under his skirt. Just before 11 p.m. on Monday, officers were dispatched to 224 Duval Street in reference to a man carrying a firearm. When they arrived, they met with a bartender who said she had seen a man, later identified as Anderson, dancing in the street showing tourists his private parts, and asking people for money when they took his picture. The bartender said that Anderson then approached her, telling her he was going to get rid of the local dirt bags, and lifted up his skirt to show a the handle of a gun tucked near his crotch.
The bartender immediately called police, who quickly located Anderson in the 100 block of Simonton Street. An orange 12-gauge flare gun with a black handle was found in his crotch area. Anderson was transported to the Monroe County Detention Center without further incident.

Never boring.

2006-05-16T10:41:00.000-05:00

I received a bathing suit I ordered in the mail this weekend. The top fit, the bottom was too big. When I was thinking about returning/exchanging the bottom I actually thought to myself about how conveninent it would be to have 2 size bottoms. I don't know how to feel about anticipating a bigger ass.

The Honeymoon is Over

2006-03-21T15:32:00.000-05:00

The other day I am walking through the kitchen and the husband is making a sandwich.

Peanut butter and mayonaisse on pumpernickel.

How does that even happen on accident? It does, however, explain the telephone call from bonus son #2. It seems that he was making pasta sauce and tried to "thicken it up" with some flour when it got lumpy. Now I know your answer is the same as mine, why would one put flour into a tomato sauce? To his credit, it wasn't tomato sauce - it was cream of chicken soup with tabasco sauce and chili powder.

For the pasta.

The things part 1

2006-03-01T00:04:00.000-05:00

Busy. And, Busy.
I know it old news since I moved here.
Seriously, I have no other words to say.
My father is my super rockstar saving grace.
My husband is my anchor, which is kind of sad because he has always been the one holding my kite string but I am not flying much these days.
My brother he is my barometer, and scale.
My mother is my hero. I don't know how she did this. Or how she still does.
My Auntie is coming to visit me! Yay!
The cousin baby is going home! Yay!
It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or empty, "it's a beautiful glass".
The work and the stuff and the things, I hope all of it can stop being how it is now
so I can tell all of you more than writing on my stupid dumb website how much I love all of you and stop being tired of the phone and talking, to get back to a place where you would wish I would shut up again.
Talk amongst yourselves, I'll be okay. I promise.

Love,
The redhead in key west

The Backyard 1

2006-01-13T08:43:00.000-05:00

A month later

2006-01-13T08:07:00.000-05:00

I haven't had the time to cobble together a paragraph so just some random notes.

1. When one moves from 860 sq. ft to 1817 sq. ft. there are adjustments one makes. Most of these are good adjustments. The house phone and the cell phone being on opposite ends of the abode in most instances are not one of the good ones. Getting my exercise is good I suppose, but I refuse to wear my Blackberry holster on my bathrobe in the morning.

2. New neighbors may not be inclined to bring welcome to the neighborhood cakes if in one day they observe you vaccumming the gravel in the front yard (how could they know how hard it is to get foil confetti out of pea gravel? I was trying at least.) and later hear you bellow from the back yard "if you want to ride your scooter by the pool you may not do it in your underwear and a cape."

3. If you have to take several weeks off work and come back thinking "everything is under control - maybe I'm not as necessary as I once thought", think again. The surface illusion will roil over and everything will be just as insane as you remembered.

4. Moving 3.1 miles is dumber than moving 3100 miles. You pack less things with the "I'll just drive this over in the car" attitude. Then you live in a rubble pile of ridiculousness.

5. This morning I realized that for the 13 years prior to my moving to Key West, I lived in a place that had a lot of shipwrecks. I am reading about all of the shipwrecks in the Florida Keys right now, and it seems like a strange coincidence and even stranger personal statement to make about one's self. "For reasons unknown to me I tend to reside in places with a history of many shipwrecks".

Do Not Attempt This at Home

2005-12-14T09:41:00.000-05:00

Things which should not conincide:
1. Post hurricane recovery workers from Texas by the bazillions in one's hotel.
2. The Holiday Season
3. Total Abdominmal Hysterectomy Recovery
4. Moving!

Not even two of these events should occur simultaneously.

Really, Thank you.

2005-12-03T20:46:00.000-05:00

My First Day Without a Uterus

2005-12-03T20:28:00.000-05:00

Things I learned on my first day without a utereus:
1. If your roommate watches country music television all night they may be inclined to watch game shows all day.
2. The exception to this is when they watch "Bonanza", and when they put on thier bathrobe and drag thier IV downstairs to smoke. Also when they sneak candies while on an all clear liquid diet, begin vomiting and having diarrhea. Then one can turn off the television for a while.
3. Any night shift nurse that replies to a nurse call button at 1am by bursting in and saying "what is the problem?" should be held in leery regard.
4. One should follow all of the rules of walking around and pooping and breathing into the incentive venilator because it is much much better to recover from this in the comfort of one's own home. And that oral percoset is better than iv morphine.
5. I am a spoiled spoiled princess. Thank you for all of the floral love!

Quirk

2005-11-16T16:11:00.000-05:00

There are things that happen to you when you live here that are sort of ill-defined moments that are germane to living here, only.
Walking back from the bus stop I overhear the Bahamian woman talking to her son about someone having the third-eye. At the same time I look down at the street and see a clear blue marble and it startles me. I am simutaneously compelled and afraid to pick it up. I don't.
Standing in my office parking lot a heron the size of a motorcycle lands about 3 feet from me, then darts forward for a lizard. I stand watching the lump go down it's skinny neck. It took 5 or 6 swallows, then flew away.
I wore a khaki suit, t-shirt and flip-flops to a company business breakfast meeting at which we announced a merger to the employees being merged. I was dressed up.

returning to normal, in a relative way.

2005-11-08T15:56:00.000-05:00

Today I nearly posted 2 paragraphs on my having figuring out why I am always falling while coming out of the bathroom. I re-read it and it really is a had-to-be-there thing. Also, my husband was there, still not interested.
So instead I will say that my new goal is to work the word "bullhonkey"into a conversation.
Bullhonkey!

new vote

2005-11-06T20:55:00.000-05:00

I watched the live "West Wing" tonight and coudn't stop protesting against the imaginary crap. Except that I went to vote and nbc.com can't hanle the banwitdth.
I think it's a good thing. More on this later.

Make haste slowly.

2005-10-27T17:40:00.000-05:00

Today we took all the carpet and padding out of our 5000 sq. ft. office in Key West. Water makes carpet heavy, and carpet glue is sticky when wet.
So! There is an estimated 12,000 cars that are ruined in Key West. People here are suffering losses that are not being covered over CNN. We are not the Floridians that were not ready for 72 hours, and I actually respect Jeb for his admonishment (scroll down a bit). It isn't hard to do, it isn't a lot to ask of people. It's not expensive, nor unreasonable. Also? FEMA is doing a great job here. There is plenty available, and easily accessable. Scary as it is to have helicopters with nets flying in over the ocean, it's here.
And still? I love living here. Because moving hundreds of pounds of furniture and thousands of pounds of carpet and padding, one can still make jokes. I can talk the talk and walk the walk and say over and over that only the end of the world is the end of the world, and that yes there is work but it cannot all be done today, and tomorrow isn't that day either, and close the door in my office and cry for 5 minutes because I can't fix everything for everyone right now. I can't do a lot, right now - there are lists for things that need to be done everywhere, and I am on those lists. But the top of the list does not include begging people to come here on the backs of those who cannot get through thier days right now, have no mattresses to sleep on right now, are scared out of thier skin because they have no cars to get to work where there is no work to do right now. People who can get to work are spending 8 to 10 hours a day slagging out crap from thier jobs, and going home to slag the crap out of thier houses.
Pray and happiness to everyone.

Not supposed to have sewage in the laundry room.

2005-10-27T07:16:00.000-05:00

You just couldn't believe how hard it is to clean up soap.

things to remember when planning a vacation in hurricane season

2005-10-26T13:57:00.000-05:00

Think about how you speak to a hotel manager who has just been up to her ankles in corrosive detergent and sewage for the last 6 1/2 hours slagging it out with an industrial squeegee.
I, too, am disappointed that your vacation has been cancelled. I'll reflect upon it while I help my staff fill out thier FEMA forms for relief and trade jobs with them so they can get relief supplies. You know, like food and water.
I know how to bite my tounge, it hurts a little, but it works wonder in a world turned upside down.

Coconut Grove, afternoon on Monday.

2005-10-25T17:37:00.000-05:00

Crazy thing, right after this we sat in the hotel lobby reading, charging cellphones, chatting with O.J. Simpson. You know, all the regular stuff one does after a storm. We didn't ask for a photo, as we are fairly certain that is why he was keen to chat with us. But it took some self restraint not to snap a picture while he drove away in his white SUV.

pre-hurricane photo

2005-10-25T17:32:00.000-05:00

Fish at Atlantis

not supposed to be a bed in the garden.

2005-10-25T15:54:00.000-05:00

not supposed to be a boat in the road.

2005-10-25T15:46:00.000-05:00

and back again.

2005-10-25T15:35:00.000-05:00

We're okay. God loves our team - our house is without nary a scratch. We have power. The ice in the freezer stayed frozen. We're unpacked and tired, but our home and our life is okay.
Work? Who knows yet, I've heard some stories of unhappiness, but we'll get there.

there and back again

2005-10-21T12:27:00.000-05:00

Went to nassau just to return in time to evacuate - go or stay, go or stay.....go. Uncle J can't get a flight out of Key West so that's a good as reason as any to spend the weekend in Miami.
It bears mentioning that I have lost a pantload of money from over the weekend, but it just is what it is. Everyone in the southwest start blowing and lets just get it over with.
Totally over hurricanes.

grrrr

2005-10-12T19:54:00.000-05:00

Like FX can black out a playoff game for a paying satellite customer.

They can until they put the alternate channel on the customer serive line in the 2nd inning, it seems.

Go White Sox!

Good Morning Key West

2005-10-11T12:58:00.000-05:00

7:04am - Employee calls says there is someone moaning and gurgling in the pool, I advise to call the police department.

7:06am - Police have been called, employee explains that a large naked drunk man is in the pool, expressing loudly that he does not know how he got there.

7:30am - Naked drunk man decides to stop talking to the police. He decides to jump the fence! Naked! Naked drunk man runs next door and up 4 flights of stairs which are open air stairs, facing the hotel. More police come.

7:51am - Naked drunk man remembers where he is staying next door, but alas - the woman he is staying with has a warrant out for her arrest and will not open the door while the police are there. Poor naked drunk guy, the police give him a towel.

8:00am - Police express concerns as to whether they will be able to get naked drunk guy into the police car without someone getting hurt. They knew him from high school, so decided to let him walk it off a little.

Lucky enough

2005-09-23T11:13:00.000-05:00

I read something a while ago and it affected me about to save the words but not the source, so forgive me for not acknowleging that person.

"...by standing respectfully and faithfully at the borders of anotherÂs solitude, we may mediate the love of God to a person who needs something deeper than any human being can give."

Ten years ago I lost a child to circumstances beyond my control, and today I am reminded of that loss. The parents and families of the lost and found children, the children of lost parents, they all need this love.

Terry Gross interviewed Alice Seibold last Friday, and I didn't realize how deeply that has affected me all week, the strangeness of not feeling inside one's own skin but rather hovering just above the place where your body goes through the day with deliberate and determined movements. Driving in the car, now... now? time to eat the food. Again, the rote memory of hurricane preparation, waiting quietly, wondering if my luck will wear out.

Loss? You know that everyone around you wants to do something to help you, but they don't know what that is. You don't know what that is. You go forward with your life and your loss lives with you, all of the time, but slowly you being to feel moreembeddedd in yourself, less like you're swimming through muffled distraction to focus on getting through a day. Then you get through more days which become years. But for those who have lost more than a child, or children but whole histories of lives together, homes...It'ss something unimaginable and nearly unspeakable, even having an idea of being the walking wounded.

So yes give to the Red Cross, and volunteer if you have time, and hire people who are displaced if you're in a position to do so, and pray...Butt sometimes just close your eyes and thing about the dead and that they miss the living, too. It is a strange kind of comfort.

raising the roof

2005-09-20T19:11:00.000-05:00

The neighbors behind us are losing thier roof. The sustained winds are still around 53 - 55, which can whip unfastened tin around in an alarmingly noisy fashion.
We drove to one of the offices to see whatup, and all is good, but someone shot a bottle rocket at the car from the 2nd floor balcony. Which looked like wires hitting the street. Which scared me. Which then made me angry, because I don't need extra crap to be scared of, plus I had my 6 year old in the car and it scared her, which made me call the police because people who do that kind of crap need a live wire to actually break loose and touch down on thier porch with 3" of water on it.
There are more problems in town now than earlier, but it's funny because CNN isn't in the ghetto, so "everythings fine!".

In the middle

2005-09-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

We are clearly in what is the worst of the storm, yet still have power at this time. It's really windy, REALLY windy, but a lot less rain than Katrina. Keeping all of our parts crossed that the power stays on.
The yard damage is at a minimum in our yard, no doubt thanks to the trimming we've been doing for the last few weeks. It's hard to say when I will be able to access my office, as the road is under a storm surge, and we won't know about US 1 until later when the storm passes, but feeling pretty lucky.

Matecumbe Key

2005-09-20T10:55:00.000-05:00

US 1 is closed down at mile marker 74. The eyewall is wrapping around and the eye is wobbling, which can mean different things. There is water coming in from the Gulf and the Atlantic, which is made a bit weirder with a high tide. Not sure what it all means but we still have power.
Turn off weather bug when you're in a hurricane.

Lovely Rita...

2005-09-20T08:44:00.000-05:00

So we've lost power several times but it's been what one can only assume is temporarily restored. Looking at the radar and from the looks of things outside, these are no longer bands but rather the storm beginning to move in.
So we are 4 of the half of Key Westers who have decided to stay - from the behavior of drivers and shoppers yesterday, we decided we were safer in our concrete home than on the roads with the crazies.
We'll check in later. Just lost the sattelite signal.

2005-09-09T14:43:00.000-05:00

High Heels on Wheels Stopped by Deputies
Now it only takes a little bit of investigation to determine it was this guy, "The 53-year-old man, who was dressed in a semi-transparent pink dress and high heels, told the deputies that he avoided them because he was embarrassed about the way he was dressed, Herrin said."

I love living here.

songs

2005-08-28T19:43:00.000-05:00

When melancholy isn't reality anymore, there's still catharsis. Jeff Buckley, Damien Rice. CBS Sunday Morning does good new things for me, Ray Lamotagne. If you are in love, you can remember when you weren't. If you aren't in love, call in sick from work and good luck with that... and so.

Are You Affected by Katrina?

2005-08-28T13:48:00.000-05:00

We are happy to not be in Louisiana today.

Our power returned this morning, and we still have to deal with the backyard. Jake is having his way with the yard despite the 100 heat index, the scorpions that haven't retreted to thier hidey-holes, and the ooginess of wet tropical foilage.

I am sitting at the computer waiting for the scented candle to do it's magic in the kitchen because my job - cleaning out the refrigerator and freezer after a 48 hour power outage.

A few tips for those of you who lose power in 90+ temperatures; when the power is restored, don't jump immediately to the task. Let the freezer refreeze and the fridge chill out a while. This takes the stinky factor down, and one is less likely to cart the entire appliance to the curb for FEMA to take away. Have several double bags prepped in advance, as well as VERY HOT dish water with lots of soap. The double bags are a must, as trash once out of the house can quadruple the stinky in the garbage trolley and make the neighbors revolt. The hot soapy water is for cooking or storage containers you cannot part with. So you empty the container into the double bag, throw container into soapy water and run to the porch and sit while your eyes stop watering and gag reflex abates. I have been considering finding a resource for the stuff that forensic investigators and morgue workers wipe under thier noses when dealing with putrified bodies. All said I will just brave it, put in the laundry soap sized boxes of baking soda and pray for those worse off than I.

Fear and Loathing in Key West

2005-08-28T11:54:00.001-05:00

The Keynoter reported this yesterday: Ed Swift doesn't want The Real World to film next door to his house on Key Haven. My favorite part of this article states "The Swift family "can no longer enjoy entire sections of their home for fear of ending up on national television," reads the suit. In addition, it charges that the noise and lights, once filming begins, would keep the family "from enjoying normal daily activities including sleeping, relaxing, reading, working, and quiet conversation."
To condense a history of controversy, Mr. Swift has been work spaces on issues such as development and transportation (some of which can be read about here and in The Key West Citizen ). Ed Swift is a partner in Historic Tours of America, offering tours of different varieties in several cities and towns in the United States. In Key West, HTA operates the Conch Tour Train.
The Key West political landscape is always lively. Astonishingly bold hypocrisy, high profile corruption, and now this very ironic court case.
The irony is in that the privacy of Mr. Swift's family life has been interrupted, and the beauty of the irony is The Conch Tour Train. I quote from the website "See the Best on the tour that's been entertaining visitors to the Island City since 1958. The Conch Tour Train is one of Florida's most popular attractions, and for a good reason. Our expert 'engineers' and friendly staff have delighted over 10 million guests with the legends and lores of this charming tropical paradise."
We live on the conch tour train route through Bahama Village. Every day the train comes down Thomas Street going about 10mph with the driver/tour guide blathering on about the old Bahamian/Haitian neighborhood, which features an old house that looks like a church 3 houses down from ours. To bring this house to the attention of the passengers, the tour operator says "and on your left..." directly in front of our house, at which point 50 - 80 camera pointing tourons rubberneck at us raking the yard, sitting on the porch, rolling out our garbage trolleys, carrying our groceries, playing cards, having conversations, eating dinner - all the things living in Florida allows one to do out of doors on most days.
A good portion of the tourists who ride the Conch Train come from the cruise ships. These folks are generally on the island for several hours, and are immediately exposed to the venue because HTA has contracted with the City of Key West and the Navy to transport the cruise passengers from the port into the city, depositing them directly in front of the HTA ticket counters.
This survey from the Key West Chamber of Commerce gives statistics on cruise ship passengers in Key West. If only half (and anyone living in Key West knows that that is a very modest guess) of these people elect to take the Conch Train, then we have had well over a million people gaping at us in the last few years. Let's do math, shall we? In 2005, January - April figures alone show 471,547 cruise ship passengers have visited Key West. If you take the averages from 2003 and 2004, May - August would put approximately 284,000 more for about 3/4 of a million passengers in 2005. Take a generously modest estimate of half, put them on the conch train at $22.50 and Mr. Swift has dragged about 8.5 million dollars worth of people past my house this year alone while I am relaxing, reading, working, and having quiet conversation.
Mr. Swift is upset that a commercial endeavor is taking place and interrupting his quality of life at home for the next 4 months - but over 10 million people have been crawling past our homes for the past 47 years, taking photographs and videotaping us while we carry on with the business of our every day lives.
Welcome to the real world in Key West, Mr. Swift.

ok

2005-08-27T08:19:00.000-05:00

We are ok, but without power at home and my office. Jake's office downtown has a wet wall and floor, but no glass loss this time. My office is intact, but there is considerable landscaping cleanup to do. Some streets are still flooded and others are block with trees, utility poles and downed wires. People keep saying we got lucky again, but I am unsure how lucky I am feeling. If power isn't restored by te afternoon we are going to check into a hotel. Gah

Outside the Cone

2005-08-26T09:31:00.000-05:00

Katrina is about 45nw of Key West right now, and it is pretty ugly. The wind gusts blowing rain in through the closed doors and windows - big bangs and tree limbs coming down all over, and the water is coming up over the sidewalks. We didn't secure anything as we were outside the cone. I guess listening to Max Mayfield is the right answer.

Katrina

2005-08-26T07:04:00.000-05:00

We're fairly lucky this morning, and while we are about 50 miles from the eye right now we still have power. We've lost power several times, and I recieved a call that we are cut off from the mainland as both exit routes (Card Sound Road and the 18 mile stretch of US1) are flooded over. It's expectedly windy/rainy/freaky sounding out, but we can sit on the front porch and enjoy the breeze.
Jake and I were talking this morning about the difference between this year and last year - Charley, Francis, Jeanne and Ivan all reached hurricane strength quite a way from shore with a lot of time to make decisions and make preparations. We didn't leave and wouldn't have, but with both Dennis and Katrina this year it's been a smaller window of opportunity to make preparations.
I'll post more as I'm awake and whatnot.

Other things I learned today.

2005-08-25T16:39:00.000-05:00

1. Children with fevers will wait to throw up until they are in thier parents beds the day after the housekeeper came and changed the sheets.

2. Ant and roach killing spray does not kill scorpions quickly, and seems to make them somewhat irritable. Irritable scorpions are fast! Ant and roach killer will, applied LIBERALLY, drown fast and irritable scorpions.

3. I really like the DTMS channel (Discovery Times Channel), but thier daily repeats would prevent me from becoming an addict. Also, we will be blaming "Inside Hitler's Bunker" being on 3 times for my watching an hour of E! "The Girls Next Door".

Things that Florida has done to me, specifically.

2005-08-25T09:24:00.000-05:00

1. Rearranged my seasonal affective disorder. Thirteen years in Wisconsin and I had become accustom to being indoors mid-November, with cabin fever rearing it's ugly head in late April. Now the AC goes on, first in the bedrooms only around mid-May, but June the house is hermetically sealed, shades down and curtains drawn to keep out the blinding heat. Cabin fever sets in around mid- August.

2. Created a possible second career as meteorologist. June through November everyone in South Florida is an expert. The rest of the time, who cares? It's 75 degrees. But throughout summer and fall there is all manner of discussion about millibars and moderate convection, inverted v's and signature curvature, upper flow and weak ridges. In addition to the mad forcasting skillz, I am confident that I could be a contender if there were olympics for bringing plants, windchimes and furniture indoors. I've got a method.

3. Revealed all of my childhood injuries. Who knew redheads can actually tan? It's true, with the exception of scar tissue. My legs from the knees down are a mosiac of freckles, tan patches and scar tissue. There is where I tried to shave my legs for the first time. There is the place where I put my calf on the motorcycle exaust. There is where I tried skateboarding. There is the car accident of '91. Pretty.

There are other changes, like the inconvenience of having to shave my legs more and never ever ever being able to leave the house without sunglasses, but for now I have to monitor the weather for the Katrina.

2005-08-08T10:08:00.000-05:00

August 5, 2005 - Mr. and Mrs. Stanton

ready

2005-08-03T08:56:00.000-05:00

Since Missy Elliot says it's a good idea and because I'm getting married day after tomorrow, I went and got my hair and nails done at Headlines off Duval. After the magnanimous Sissy finished my nails I went out to smoke with Jonathon before getting the do done, and discussed having red hair, why my son is so tall, and Duran Duran.

Above the hair washing sinks are a row of wigs on mannequin heads, with little notes attached. Happiness is watching the 801 girls picking up thier hair-do's in street clothes before the show.

still hot.

2005-08-01T14:47:00.000-05:00

That will likely be a recurring post title, for several reasons. Firstly, because nearly all the time it's true. On a day in the winter when it's a mere 75 degrees I will not say that it is hot, because I probably have on a long sleeve shirt, which is embarrassing but true. Secondly, an ambiguous title is better than some of the other specific things I am thinking about. Onward.

Key West was weird this week, which is realtive but still. I'm blaming everything from now on Mercury being in retrograde. This happened a block from my house. I love Bahama Village, but change the roles here and it wouldn't be a story buried in page 2 of the local news. And so, I guess that's all I have to say about that. I certainly realize "cracker" hardly holds the profound social and historical implications that the "n word" does, but seriously, asking for directions?

New York Times ran an article in Sunday's Style section. I use this section as my own weekly personal "shit not to do" barometer. Anyhoo, the article is about - wait guess - pompass asses from New York City? Was that last week's article, no wait... oh nevermind. There's really no end to that blackhole of judementalism. So people are looking for new ways to tell people without being overt where they vacation - bumper stickers with airport codes like ACK and the little European things that people in Wisconsin have been putting on thier Volvo Wagons for like 8 years now, even tote bags with zip codes. Well I have 4 regular and one hyphenated words for you losers: Key West hurricane re-entry sticker. I don't care if you summer on Nantucket. One of these summers I'll have the sticker that matters, bitches - the one that lets me back on the island first.

New feature, not guaranteed regularly, but whenever necessary: This week's winner of Jocelyn's Current Favorite Monroe County Arrest Record Mugshot. Steve has no worries about the violation of his probation this week! Keep smiling, Steve! (I should have started this during Spring Break, if ONLY for the mugshots. "Like, does my hair look alright or is it like totally bad - omigod! Cheese!")

Okay after all that a thing I am thankful for: Rick Bayless and his bespectacled self, but more specifically for his recipe for tomatillo braised pork loin, with white beans. I am also thankful for Fausto's carrying fresh bay leaves. And my water bill is only $22 this month! But my electric bill is $255 BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Done with Fish

2005-07-26T12:13:00.000-05:00

Adaptation has been playing, edited and with commercial interruption, on the sattelite recently. Susan Orleans is talking to John Laroche :

John Laroche: You know why I like plants?
Susan Orlean: Nuh uh.
John Laroche: Because they're so mutable. Adaptation is a profound process. Means you figure out how to thrive in the world.
Susan Orlean: [pause] Yeah but it's easier for plants. I mean they have no memory. They just move on to whatever's next. With a person though, adapting almost shameful. It's like running away.

I was thinking about memory, and change. I'd really rather it went something like this, though.

John Laroche: Then one morning, I woke up and said, "Fuck fish!" I renounce fish, I will never set foot in that ocean again. And there hasn't been a time where I have stuck so much as a toe back in that ocean.
Susan Orlean: But why?
John Laroche: Done with fish.

2005-07-22T14:53:00.000-05:00

A bit of advice to anyone who goes places and stays in hotels: Asking to speak to the manager because you don't like the rate, you feel a little about arguing about it, and call the manager "unreasonable" gets you the room directly between the elevator shaft and the garbage chute the floor below the bachelor party.
Also when a hotel says "we are sold out" that means rooms are unavailable. If you ask 3 times, even about the secret rooms? Unavailable. Screaming WELL WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO will not make a room become available, nor will it reverse the rotation of the earth on it's axis taking you back in time make a reservation so that a room is available to you.

jetsam

2005-07-22T09:44:00.000-05:00

Post hurricane cleanup leaves this place looking bright and terrible; trees stripped of leaves and 8 ft. piles of yard waste in parking places. Mountains of seaweed and sponges are piled on the sand covered roadways along the Atlantic side, ripening in the white hot Key West sun. More interesting are the piles left for FEMA. Hurricanes apparently cause widespread damage to appliances, futon frames and coffee makers, at least on my street.

Non-hurricane related observances for the morning:

no recent sightings of the red bloero hat wearing jogging guy - where could he be?
Olivia St. 9:10am - rooster flies up into royal poincianna tree, branch breaks. Take that!
Flagler Ave. 9:30am - woman using weed whacker in a black bikini and tennis shoes.
Office on Seaside Dr 9:45am - no one came filed my invoices and contracts overnight.

difference #1

2005-07-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

I just thought of one of the changes he and I were talking about last week.

It's a complete psychological re-orientation to Summer. For 33 years summer was lazy and carefree, with long afternoons and evenings and days off spending as much time as possible outside. Summer is now my inside time, shade drawn and protected from the elements.
Summer used to be the only time one would consider going commando, now summer is the only time you wear underthings, for the sweating.
Summer here can beat up your summer.

lucky enough

2005-07-21T13:15:00.000-05:00

I took a lot of time off from writing on the internet, or really at all. Not that there hasn't been anything to write about - I moved to Key West and decided that I could live here. I got a great job that keeps getting better. I've been through 5 hurricanes, and get better at it every time. I'm getting married in two weeks. And, so (as they say up north. here they say "i'm saying").
Now that I've been here well over a year there are things I know that have changed, so I will write about them here. I used to write about them here.