Thursday, October 05, 2006

I used to write things.

My husband suggested that I retrieve all of my previous writings before they all disappear into the internets. It's then that I realized I've been sort of doing this since mid 2000. Here is an old entry I liked.

i was having a conversation with a coworker this morning about kids. she has a stepson who is 9 and she needed to get him ready to go somewhere today. she came into my office and said "i don't know how you do it everyday, jocelyn" so i shared with her that as a step-mom, she was likely worrying about being really nice to her step-son, where in reality if they are your own children you can really accomplish quite a bit by yelling at son and i came to the conclusion that it would be a massive adjustment for us to have to move to an apartment building, and that we would probably be very unpopular. don't get me wrong. i don't spend my whole day screaming at my children. we just like to be really loud at home. we sing loud, we play music really loud, we stomp around and dance in the kitchen. we have whole discussions with affected falsetto opera singer voices, generally with the intent of persuading the other to eat something or go somewhere. most often i use it as a stress management method to request that something be done that i have only asked to be done oh, i don't know, 50,000 times so i don't lose my mind and sell my children. it goes something like this.don't leave wrappers on the table.don't leave wrappers on the table.august, you know it really bothers me when you leave wrappers on the table. i know this does not seem like a big deal, and you know it isn't. but when you don't throw your crap in the garbage it bothers me. so just do it as a personal favor to your mom.don't leave that on the table.are you going to throw that away.put that in the trash RIGHT NOW.mary mother of god what is the problem with you? can you not find the trash can? is it cleverly hidden? is this not a thing that you are aware makes me completely lose my mind? do you like to see your mother lose her mind?and this is when i sing "pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase throw that wraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaper in the gaaaaaaaaaaaarbage...." so i don't run across the room and beat assured, i would never beat my children. but all of you with children know that the difference between an abusive parent and a not abusive parent is personal restraint, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. for those of you who do not have children but are considering having some of your own, i have put together a little questionnaire that might help you evaluate whether you are ready.

Parental Readiness Quiz Part 1
1. How important is it for you to go to the bathroom by yourself?
a. very important
b. somewhat important
c. i am okay with it being a high traffic area.

2. How often do you look inside your shoes before you put them on?
a. never
b. sometimes
c. you never know what might be in there, best to check.

3. Would it be a very embarrassing thing for you to find, say, a slice of cheese in your briefcase during a meeting?
a. it would ruin my career
b. i would try to laugh it off if anyone noticed
c. i would make a mental note to have it for lunch.

4. Can you sleep while someone is pulling on your eyelashes?
a. i would find that upsetting
b. it might wake me up
c. are they pulling on them, or pulling them out?

5. How do you feel about hearing the same word over and over? say, your name repeated at 2 second intervals for 10 minutes straight.
a. peace and quiet is important to me
b. maybe i could get used to it
c. did you ask me something?

6. You are in the kitchen and you hear someone cry. What do you do?
a. Jump up and see what happened
b. Wait for a minute to see if it stops, then go see
c. Was there a loud noise before the crying started? Is it a whiny cry or a bleeding cry? Is there someone closer who can check?

7. What is your idea of dinner time?
a. Everyone seated in the dining room, with soft music
b. Everyone in the kitchen with the television
c. Everyone in the house with food.

8. On the table before you is a brown paper grocery sack and a red glove. What are you doing? a. Putting away groceries?
b. Looking for the other glove?
c. making a rooster costume for the second grade down on the farm concert extravaganza which starts in a half hour. duh.

Your Score
if you mostly answered
a, it might be best for you to purchase fish. they are the quietest pet..if you answers were mostly b, you might be ready for a child. get some sleep now while you can.if you answered
c to any of these questions, you're a mom, no question. mom. mom. mom. mom. mom.


Anonymous Wenchie, Friend of Heather said...

BWAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA! You sound like the kind of Mom my sister is -- very grounded and realistic. She, too, makes me pee laughing. I don't have kids, but this sounds so much like her, I'm going to print it off and send it to her. I'd send her the link, but she just had her third on Friday, and she'd probably appreciate something that's easy to read while nursing on the couch. Thanks for cracking me up!

9:53 AM  

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